Today I was reminded once again of him. Whether it was a fb post or his presence on gchat or a guy I passed on the street that looked like him…I can’t seem to get him off my mind. It has been a few weeks now but I still feel random twinges of heart pain at any given moment. I don’t know what it was about him that makes me this crazy. I also don’t know how I could feel so deeply infatuated with someone who doesn’t feel the same about me…wouldn’t I notice? If I had felt that he was not being sincere then I wouldn’t have let myself fall this hard or this deep…I would have stopped it before it started. We both were romantics and shared the same interests in things. We both liked playing super mario bros. and watching the sun set and playing tennis and watching movies and trying new foods…am I crazy or is there much more I could ask for as far as compatibility? The worst part is that I’m also very physically attracted to him. Double-wammy. But when I really think back to that short but intense month of my last weeks of college, I can’t help but think that I was disillusioned. That I misread the signs, over-analyzed the words said (or not said), that I made it out to be more than it was. Maybe the whole time I was in denial. Maybe I wanted it to work out so badly that I condoned his immature behavior and ignored the red flags. Maybe for a second he felt as happy and content as I did. Maybe parts of it were real. But then life gets in the way, as does fear and insecurity. I understand more now…that it’s his insecurities that made it fall apart…if he was a real man he would get to know me by spending time with me instead of running away like a little boy at the first sign of vulnerability. I know there was something there. He can’t deny that.

I can’t wait until the morning that I wake up and don’t think about him. The day that I laugh at all the silly misery I’ve put myself through and laugh at what I thought was a loss but what really was a blessing. Time heals all wounds.

Goodnight world.

Life was too short to be with someone who wasn’t quite right, someone who made you think more than they made you feel.

The most painful thing in life is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.